Torments of Unrequited Love
by midnightgamin
Summary: Based on the manga in which Yahiro admitted he never liked Megumi. Megumi P.O.V.


Disclaimer: I don't own Special A or a bit of '1000 Times' lyrics by Sara Bareilles

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><p>I can feel my heart breaking each time I see you. The dull ache is ever present whenever I am alone or with the others. I would like to think that I am strong but that would be a lie. Some would say it was infatuation. Perhaps it was, is. You were in a pedestal I cannot hope to reach. I try. It hurts a little.<p>

_Back of the room_

_Looking at you_

_Counting the steps_

_Between us_

Akira. Akira is the sound your heart would only beat for. I know it runs deeper. Others were too blind to see it. Especially Akira. I take baby steps towards you. I try to block it. No, I take another bold step. There. It was not so bad.

I take a hasty step back. Why am I being so impulsive and irrational? What are doing to me? Are you even aware what you are doing? Why is it you? Why can't it be someone else? I want to blame you...I can't. It hurts a bit more than usual.

_Eyes on the ground_

_But I can't look up now_

_Don't wanna give it away_

_My secret_

She's the only one in your eyes. I am part of the background. It hurts but I dealt with far worse. I would continue to hide behind Ryuu and Jun until then. Just don't look at me or I will lose this constant battle. Don't turn your eyes on me even for a second or else or my most treasured secret would be known. I don't want to acknowledge it. Quash it. Bury it. Burn it with bitterness. One fleeting moment could break my resolve. I don't want to...I'm not strong enough. Please. Hear my unspoken plea. Oh god, why? Why?

Why do you torment me?

_In another life,_

_My teeth and tongue_

_Would speak aloud what until now_

_I've only sung_

My heart sings. My heart cries out. I want to sing. I cannot speak. I cannot voice it in fear. Stop asking me. I'm fine! Also, stop pretending you care with your eyes. It's poison. You're poison. Don't look at me with soft pitying brown eyes.

You've done it. I cannot escape this. I would either break or have you. I can wait, though it seems unbearable. I'll wait until you see and realise. I don't mind it.

_You can make me wait forever_

_Push me away and tell me never_

_I don't mind, no I don't mind it_

_I would come back 1000 times_

If getting rejected is as painful as seeing you pining over someone you cannot have I would do it again. And again. And again. Look at me Yahiro. Fall in love with me. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help it.

Sorry.

_Kiss me goodnight_

_Like a good friend might_

_I'll do the same_

_But won't mean it_

Just once I'd like to feel your hand. I'd like to see your eyes brighten and a smile adorn your face. I'd like to hear you laugh. I'd like to...I'd like to be your friend if nothing else. And maybe then I could pretend that you like me the same way.

_Cause love is a cage_

_These words on a page_

_Carry the pain_

_They don't free it_

It's funny isn't it? Both of us running after people that would never return our affections. I want to be free Yahiro. I hate being in love with you because Akira will always be your number one, your everything. Even if you hold my hand now and kiss my cheek it remains the same. Your heart is as adamant as mine. Am I right?

Jun, go away. I need to be alone for a minute.

_In another life_

_I wouldn't need to_

_Console myself_

_As I resign to release you_

I realise my voice cannot reach you. No matter how hard I try. Just go. Don't stay by my side because you feel guilty, it's insulting. Just go.

_Cause I would die to make you mine_

_Bleed me dry each and every time_

_I don't mind, no I don't mind it_

_I would come back 1000 times_

I stay vigil. I watch you hurt yourself. Ryuu and Jun watch me hurt myself in turn. These days I was slipping into true silence. I found I have nothing much to say. I sometimes forget to bring my sketchpad. I used to hate the silence. I found it comforting now. Beautiful silence.

Ryuu kept giving me worried glances. I avert my gaze and cement myself into the background. What is this? What are we? I still welcome you back. I can't push you away. Never.

To pursue you is a death sentence. I put on my best smiles, wear my best dresses and drag you around to my favourite places. I share my dreams and secrets. I sing again because of you. I feel awful and great at the same time. Your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes. I want to stab them.

_Again again_

_I let it go, let it go_

_Cover my mouth_

_Don't let a single word slip out_

I swallow my pride and sing. It sounds amazing they say. Jun turns away after. The others were frowning and realises just now. Hear my declaration and pain, Yahiro.

You don't.

_Wouldn't wanna tell you, no_

_Tell you, no_

_Nothing could be worse_

_Than the risk of_

_Losing what I don't have now_

Love, don't look so sad. I'm sorry you have to pretend to be my boyfriend for mother...or get stuck with me. At least Akira and Tadashi are happy for us.

_And we could buy the minute, though_

_Is it so bad if I wanna cry out_

You ask me where I go? Some place to cry I guess. My voice is too powerful and my hand is shaking violently. I don't expect anyone be near to listen, especially you. Is this the only thing we're going to talk about? Is that all? Alright, I'll see you later.

_That I would die to make you mine_

_Bleed me dry almost every time_

_But I don't mind, no I don't mind it_

_I would come back 1000 times_

Stubborn. That's what I am. Resilient. The pain is almost non-existent now. Pathetic. I feel numb but I smile. How many steps had I taken? How many steps back did I make? It leads to you, Yahiro. Perhaps you'll love me. Perhaps not. I'm not giving up. Don't be mad. Akira is watching.

It's been three years now. Is it right that I keep wooing you my dearest husband? Ryuu and Jun stopped trying to talk to me. Do you really have to go? Kei is out of the country but I don't say it. I'm not dumb. I watch your retreating back. I know where you go. Akira is lonely. Should I tell you the news?

Why are you so surprised? Is that a normal reaction for a future father? We're having a baby. The baby is ours. Wait. Wait, Yahiro! Where are you going? Come back!

You turn to me with a smile that reach your eyes. You say you would buy the entire baby store downtown.

I grimaced.

It just took me a 1000 times to get it right.

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><p>AN: yeah, I love this hapless pairing. Poor Megumi.<p>

-Midnightgamin


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